I want to tell you a little about my childhood and why I love my Aunt Joyce.  She is twelve years older than me and was my babysitter when I was a little one.  After I got up around 8 years of age I babysat her children.  Aunt Joyce, my Mothers’ Sister, was my “soft place” to fall and I used to dream that she was my Mother because my Mother was not a very loving or a very nice person.   I don’t think my Mother ever knew how to be a Mother or cared to know.  She let us know that she wasn’t going to try learning it either.  I don’t remember when I first heard “If it wasn’t for you kids I would have already left your Father” – but it must have been early because I can remember repeating it back to her and getting spanked at the age of four for my “smart mouth.”  When I saw “Dancing with Wolves” for the first time and saw the Indian girl named “Stands with Fists” – I laughed because that was me.  I would “stand with fists” and never cry no matter how hard they spanked or hit me – and my Dad hit hard and often.  My Mom would yell and my Dad would hit and as I got older the hits became harder yet.

My home life was filled with upheaval between parents who continually argued, separated, and moved from place to place throughout the western United States.  Even though they never divorced, in reality I could never understand why they stayed married.  There were constant affairs, knock down drag out fights and heartaches for everyone.   I don’t remember ever having a normal household – ever.  It was all secrets we kept and were ashamed of to tell anyone just how crazy we lived trying to pretend we were normal.   We were not allowed to bring friend over to play, in fact play was only allowed to get us out of the way.  My Mom would say, “Can’t you kids go somewhere and play?”  She didn’t care as long as it was away from her and yet she never allowed us much time for joy.  There were always chores that had to be done or dinner cooked.   I, being the oldest, was the one who would watch my siblings when they went out for the evenings or away on an event.   You have to understand that this way of life was happening and I would be left in charge of the family from an early age of 10.  Anyway, I learned to make friend quickly because I never knew when I would get a chance to see them again or even if I would be allowed to play with them again.  It seemed my Mom never liked too many of our friends so I wasn’t allowed to play with them very often. 

Anyway the one thing I could look forward to was spending 6 weeks with my Aunt each summer when school got out in June and until the end of July.  I would go by bus or they would drive us from Phoenix, AZ to Santa Maria, CA each summer and drop us off.   I say us because as I got older one of my younger sisters would come with me.  It seemed each year Mom would send another child with us.  Only the babies got to say home, because they slept and didn’t need much watching.  I learned that when we weren’t in school – Mom would ship us off so we wouldn’t bother her by being home and under foot, as she called it.  I later learned that little eyes and ears heard and saw too much that she didn’t want us to see.   I didn’t mind that Mom got rid of my sister and I each summer.  In fact I called it my vacation and I just couldn’t wait until June for it to begin.  It was the only time I got to go to the beach or play with my cousins in the park and have bar-be-ques and just be a kid.  I didn’t have to wait on my Mother and get yelled at about how much I didn’t do correctly.  That never ending negative “mouth of hers’” was “never approving” or “ever loving” to anybody or of anything!

I did well in school – in fact I loved school – it was a way to get out of my house and I couldn’t wait to get there each day and I would have stayed after the after school events if I could.  Anything that was school “flavored” I joined – just to be gone.  All I had to do was maintain a B+ average and I could do it – if I dropped below a B+, I was grounded and I couldn’t go to anything.  This is how I survived from about 5^th grade through high school.

Anyway I’m going to call this PART I – and stop here because I am already feeling like I have talked too much about me and I don’t want to bore you.  I don’t know how much I will share about my life.  Looking back I still have regrets of things I couldn't change about my life and that I had to endure.  It is still so sad to remember that my family was not or ever could be a “Leave it to Beaver” type household, but they were my family and I learned many things to teach my own family - mostly what not to do to my children.